Here are some samples of article Ruth Fett, Child Development Consultant has witten for newspapers and magazines.

Below is a four part series on the importance of connecting with our children.

12-19-2008                                          Written for KIDS magazine for publication in January, 2009

When I grow up I want to be just like you!

“I’ll help!” my son says exuberantly as I walk out the door to pile firewood.  I ruffle his hair and say, “thanks dude!”  Out in the icy cold of that Wisconsin winter day he and I talked about his upcoming band concert, laugh about the ping pong match of the night before and plotted our sneak attack on my older son due to arrive home soon.  As the last of the wood was stacked neatly he smiled at me, it had been hard work, but that didn’t really matter, we had done it together.  Working, playing, reading, any activity done with your child fills the critical innate need all humans possess- to belong.

Children need to be with their parents, they need to feel they belong to something bigger than themselves. Children want to be able to do what their parents can do.  One mother of two young boys was beside herself on how she could get the house clean, bills paid and shopping done and still keep her two and a half year old son entertained.  I suggested she include him in each of these tasks.    At two and a half he was developmentally ready to be more “in the game”, mom’s game.  She began assigning him task when shopping.  “Sam put two boxes of dad’s cereal in the cart, now put in three cans of beans; you pick the type of granola bars for this week.”  At home she set up a little table to allow him to write out “bills” and “checks” right along side her.  Finally she had him stand on a chair next to her to “help” wash dishes and gave him a rag to “help” with the dusting.  She reported back that it was marvelously successful.  Not only was she relieved of the duty to entertain her son, but her work was complete and her son’s misbehavior had all but disappeared.  He felt connected to his mother by their common experiences and the change in his perception of being needed by rather than a burden to his mother. 

Connecting with our children should not be an item on our “to do” list, forming connections with our children should be our list.  Simply be aware of what you are doing and come up with fun ways to include the child at a developmentally appropriate level.  Any child can help wash the car.  Put on some music and give each child a chore to do as you all dance around the house.  Have your 7 year old stamp the envelopes for the bills while your 9 year old writes the return address on them.

Life is not all work though, form connections through play. Get down with them and join in their activities.  Play guitar hero, Barbies or Legos.  Get out on the driveway to shoot some hoops, skip some rope or draw with chalk.  Read with your child no matter how old they are.  Let go of your inhibitions and have fun.  It is a hoot to be free of our adult worries and restrictions for a while and enjoy the simplicity of a child’s game.

Whatever activity you choose to do to sustain your connection with your child, focus on being in the moment with them.   Working, playing, and reading are all great ways to connect with your children and reap the many benefits of connection.  Watch for future articles for more detailed information on helping children fill the innate need to belong.

Written by Ruth Fett, Parent Coach          www.ParentTeamGB.com

1-14-2009                          Written for KIDS magazine for publication in February, 2009

Building Connections Builds Cooperation

Part 2 of 4

Written by Ruth Fett, Parent Coach         

Spending good quality time with your children through play, reading and working with them helps meet their critical need to belong.  By creatively including them in projects, getting in on a game of four square or reading the sports section with them will build strong parent-child connections. Secure children demonstrate higher self-esteem, compliance, and cooperation levels. The benefits for parents are reduced stress and greater joy in parenting.

Can it really be that simple?  Just play, work and read with our children and they will be more compliant?  Consider this: with whom are we more likely to comply with?  The supervisor who demonstrates concern for our interests or the supervisor who distances himself?  When children are connected with us, they find it easier to comply because they look up to us as role models.  They want to be like us and do the things we do. By taking interest in "their" activities and inviting them to be a part of "our" activities tells them that they are unique people and fosters that connection, therefore a willingness to comply.

I was in a crowded department store over the holidays and overheard a woman having great difficulty keeping her daughter in the stroller while they shopped. The aggravated mother grabbed her child by the arm, leaned down close to the child’s face and screamed, “If you do not change your attitude this moment, I will march you right back to Santa and tell him what a bad little girl you are being.” Mom’s stress level was off the charts, and the result was a total disconnect with her child.  Some might argue that good children comply and cause less parental stress. However, let’s look closer at why the child did not comply in the first place.  The child wanted mom’s attention, even if it was negative attention.  She was reaching out to fill a need, the need for food, sleep, attention, or stimulation. Instead she received a resounding disconnect. If it were possible to rewind this scenario, some proactive connecting with the child before or during the shopping trip could have avoided the entire incident.

The above example demonstrates parenting with threats, the opposite of parenting through connections.  Using threats to gain compliance is stressful on both the child and the parent.  If we follow through on the threat we are teaching, “If life does not go the way I want it to, I have the right to hurt someone.”  On the other hand if we do not follow through on our threat we have taught our child, "Mom and Dad do not mean what they say, therefore there is no reason to take them seriously in the future.”  Threats lay down a foundation of hostility and distrust between parent and child.  Parenting through connections builds self-esteem in our children.  It sends the message, “You are worth my time and effort.  Your interests are of value and you are valued enough to be included in my activities.” 

Next month learn how building connections helps us understand and deal with our children’s emotions.  If you have any comments or questions about these articles please contact Ruth at parenteam@yahoo.com.

www.ParentTeamGB.com

2-12-2009                          Written for KIDS magazine for publication in March, 2009

All Feelings are OK!

Part 3 of 4

 by Ruth Fett, Parent Coach         

The first two articles in this series discussed how time invested in building connections with your child benefits their self-esteem and increases cooperation.  This month the topic is the way we deal with our children's feelings and how that affects the bonding process. Sensitivity to emotions expressed by our children can lead to increased communication, decreased temper tantrums and emotionally intelligent children.  Children seek affirmation and empathy, much the same as we do as adults.  When we truly listen to our children, we provide them with a safe method of releasing those emotions and bonds are strengthened.

Take a moment to imagine you arrive back at your car in a parking lot to find it dented and the tail light smashed.  You are understandably upset and distressed. Your feelings are influenced by many factors; including how much money you have in your bank account, or whether insurance will cover the repairs.  Every person expresses their feelings in unique ways, but the need for release is a basic human need.  When you arrive home with the bad news, how do you want others to respond to you?  After expressing your distress, would you want to be given advice, be dismissed, coddled, blamed or ignored?  Unfortunately these are common strategies many people use to protect themselves or others from experiencing negative emotions.  It’s as if the emotions themselves have the power to harm.  When we empathize with others by listening, we help them process the situation, and we offer them hope.  Children may not have the ability to express their emotions in socially acceptable ways, but they still need our understanding, not our judgment. 

A 5-year-old boy became upset in a kindergarten class because his friend took three of the blocks that he felt belonged to him.  Upon observing the angry child's face turning red and clenching his fist the teacher got down at his level and said, "Wow, you are angry."  The child, who was prone to hitting when mad, immediately relaxed his hands and face muscles and began to cry.  The teacher empowered the child with a conflict resolution technique that teaches children to problem solve by filling in the blanks.  "I feel ______ because __________.  I want ____________."  The child turned to the block thief and stated, "I feel really mad because you took my blocks.  I want them back now."  The boys eventually worked out their differences.  The conflict was resolved without violence because the teacher allowed the first boy to own his feelings, and then guided his action.  The boy was receptive to hearing the coaching from his teacher because she first made him feel understood.

When we as parents allow children to experience their feelings rather than deny, coddle, blame or shame them, we open the door for children to work through their emotions and return to their normal state of mind.  It is important to anticipate that children have emotions over situations that may not seem important from our point of view.  We may not understand or agree with the feeling they are experiencing. The key is to accept their feelings, and remember all feelings are OK.  As parents we need to take these opportunities to teach methods of releasing emotions in a safe and appropriate manner.  Bonding occurs when the child feels his emotions are validated.  Disallowing children's feelings causes emotions to build up and a tantrum is the inevitable release.  Raising a tantrum free child is not realistic; however connections can be built that can reduce the number and intensity of tantrums.  All feelings are OK, there is no right or wrong way to feel.  Allowing for this in your relationship with your child will positively impact the bond you share.

Next month learn how building connections affects children’s response to discipline.  If you have any comments or questions about these articles please contact Ruth at parenteam@yahoo.com.